With animals, it's tough to know what they were trying to do, but you GOTTA assume it wasn't this.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
FUNNY JOKE part 1
ALLIGATOR SHOES JOKE
BLONDE CAR ACCIDENT JOKE
BREATHING BLONDE JOKE
CAR TROUBLE JOKE
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a
pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to
pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very
frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the
blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I
can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By
all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big
one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is
driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the
water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator
swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a
great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were
several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated,
shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
BLIND DATE JOKE
A young blonde secretary was describing her blind date to a friend.
"After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused.
I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what happened?"
"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said.
"You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend.
"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."
BLONDE CAR ACCIDENT JOKE
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
BLONDE POLICEWOMEN JOKE
A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per hour residental zone when a local
police cruiser pulled her over.
The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a
blonde.
She asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally
said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look
like?'
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "Don't be a smartass!, it's got your
picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a
small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's
license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and
said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer
too, we could have avoided all of this."
BREATHING BLONDE JOKE
A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her
head.
"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist
as she notices the blonde.
"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.
"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty
specialist getting annoyed.
"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"
The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and
throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies.
When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it
repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".
CAR TROUBLE JOKE
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open,
but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a
moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up!
It's starting to rain and the top is down."
How to Be Funny Without Telling Jokes
Here's how to find humor in not-so-funny stuff. Before long, you'll have
people laughing a lot at your presentation without telling jokes. Below
are some ways to get people to laugh. Like dancing without music.
Set the scene for laughter. If you want to lighten up your program,you might want to let the audience know this, even before you say one word. Project some lighthearted visuals as the audience is entering the room. Play some uplifting music as they enter. Or, add some humor to your presentation title or program description. Your bio, for example, can have a list of accomplishments, playfully followed by "His mother is very proud."
Facial expression is a big part. In a funny situation where everyone is laughing, try hard to look blank, like you don't know whats happening. You get laughs, and all eyes are on YOU. Don't be scared. Some people like staring at other people unexpectedly- that cracks up laughs.
Poke fun at yourself. Again, even before you open your mouth, you can show the audience that you don't take yourself too seriously by adding some playful things about you in your introduction. For example, have the introducer tell the audience that you are the author of seven books which have sold well over 3 copies. Then the person corrects their mistake and says, "Oops, that's 300,000 copies." Or go wild, put it the other way around.
Get some laughs with a prop. It has been said that learning is enhanced with visual aids. If this is true, then speakers need to enhance their talks with something to visually illustrate what they are saying. A prop is a great way to do this because it not only makes your message memorable but it can also get a laugh. Use balloons to illustrate how people can let go of their stress or an inflatable globe to illustrate how we often carry the world around on our shoulders. All make a point and all get a laugh.
Tell your humorous stories. Open your humor eyes and ears and look and listen for the funny things that happen all around you. Families are an especially good resource for finding humorous stories. One such story involves the author's 93-year-old mother. Every time she goes to the doctor, she hires a van service to take her there and back. One late afternoon, it didn't show up to take her home. Since the doctor had to close the office for the day, he suggested that she wait for the van in the pizza parlor next door. After waiting a long time without the van arriving, she went up to the counter and asked, "Do you deliver?" When the man behind the counter replied, "Of course, we do. We're a pizza place." She said, "Great. Then I'd like a pepperoni pizza and I'd like to go with it."
Borrow some witty words. While waiting for your own humor-related stories to appear, you might want to borrow some funny short quotes from famous people to lighten up your talks. Quotation books, the TV, newspapers, and magazines such as Reader's Digest are great resources for locating great quotes. For instance, if you frequently speak to hospice groups, Woody Allen's comments about death and dying are appropriate (e.g., "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?") Quotes and one-liners from movies and TV shows often work, but make sure they are not too dramatic or well known. Studying sitcom characters like Chandler Bing from Friends will get you in the mentality of a naturally funny person.
Collect audience anecdotes. Sometimes audiences say the funniest things. When they do, write it down. It could be a big laugh in your next presentation.
Remember the bottom line. For non-humorists, some of the ideas presented here may seem too frivolous for your subject matter. Nevertheless, you are still encouraged to seek some way of upping the entertainment value of your talks because it might also increase what you can charge. As Steve Allen once noted, "People will pay more to be entertained than educated".
Fake stories. Usually real comedians use fake stories to make a cheap laugh. Kind of like Brian Regan uses the "Stupid in school" joke. Even though it's a fake story, he made it up and the audience still laughed at it.
Make it relevant. One final word about using humor in your presentations--make sure it is relevant. Amusing an audience for the sake of getting a laugh might be ideal for a stand-up comedian or an after-dinner humorist but it's probably not good for most speakers. If your humor doesn't make a point or have a purpose, don't use it.
Don't laugh at your own joke. As funny the joke might be, never laugh at your own joke. It will make your audience bored.
Set the scene for laughter. If you want to lighten up your program,you might want to let the audience know this, even before you say one word. Project some lighthearted visuals as the audience is entering the room. Play some uplifting music as they enter. Or, add some humor to your presentation title or program description. Your bio, for example, can have a list of accomplishments, playfully followed by "His mother is very proud."
Facial expression is a big part. In a funny situation where everyone is laughing, try hard to look blank, like you don't know whats happening. You get laughs, and all eyes are on YOU. Don't be scared. Some people like staring at other people unexpectedly- that cracks up laughs.
Poke fun at yourself. Again, even before you open your mouth, you can show the audience that you don't take yourself too seriously by adding some playful things about you in your introduction. For example, have the introducer tell the audience that you are the author of seven books which have sold well over 3 copies. Then the person corrects their mistake and says, "Oops, that's 300,000 copies." Or go wild, put it the other way around.
Get some laughs with a prop. It has been said that learning is enhanced with visual aids. If this is true, then speakers need to enhance their talks with something to visually illustrate what they are saying. A prop is a great way to do this because it not only makes your message memorable but it can also get a laugh. Use balloons to illustrate how people can let go of their stress or an inflatable globe to illustrate how we often carry the world around on our shoulders. All make a point and all get a laugh.
Tell your humorous stories. Open your humor eyes and ears and look and listen for the funny things that happen all around you. Families are an especially good resource for finding humorous stories. One such story involves the author's 93-year-old mother. Every time she goes to the doctor, she hires a van service to take her there and back. One late afternoon, it didn't show up to take her home. Since the doctor had to close the office for the day, he suggested that she wait for the van in the pizza parlor next door. After waiting a long time without the van arriving, she went up to the counter and asked, "Do you deliver?" When the man behind the counter replied, "Of course, we do. We're a pizza place." She said, "Great. Then I'd like a pepperoni pizza and I'd like to go with it."
Borrow some witty words. While waiting for your own humor-related stories to appear, you might want to borrow some funny short quotes from famous people to lighten up your talks. Quotation books, the TV, newspapers, and magazines such as Reader's Digest are great resources for locating great quotes. For instance, if you frequently speak to hospice groups, Woody Allen's comments about death and dying are appropriate (e.g., "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?") Quotes and one-liners from movies and TV shows often work, but make sure they are not too dramatic or well known. Studying sitcom characters like Chandler Bing from Friends will get you in the mentality of a naturally funny person.
Collect audience anecdotes. Sometimes audiences say the funniest things. When they do, write it down. It could be a big laugh in your next presentation.
Remember the bottom line. For non-humorists, some of the ideas presented here may seem too frivolous for your subject matter. Nevertheless, you are still encouraged to seek some way of upping the entertainment value of your talks because it might also increase what you can charge. As Steve Allen once noted, "People will pay more to be entertained than educated".
Fake stories. Usually real comedians use fake stories to make a cheap laugh. Kind of like Brian Regan uses the "Stupid in school" joke. Even though it's a fake story, he made it up and the audience still laughed at it.
Make it relevant. One final word about using humor in your presentations--make sure it is relevant. Amusing an audience for the sake of getting a laugh might be ideal for a stand-up comedian or an after-dinner humorist but it's probably not good for most speakers. If your humor doesn't make a point or have a purpose, don't use it.
Don't laugh at your own joke. As funny the joke might be, never laugh at your own joke. It will make your audience bored.
